i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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