Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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