Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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