I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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