My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
