Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
pray to the hookup gods
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
