I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
