dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
