One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Randomize
