i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
