i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
