John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
