Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
