you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
