Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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