Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
