On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
