Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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