And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I wish there were birth control emojis
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
