I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
