Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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