You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
