So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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