Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
