apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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