you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
soo... how was my night?
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