you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
