brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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