you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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