Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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