just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
