your parents love me but you hate me
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
