I'm eating all of the evidence.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
