Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
