I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
