im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
