note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
