i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
