I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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