you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
