Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
