make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
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