Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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