so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
