My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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