New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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