If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
