This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
