Dude my mom stole all your condoms
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
