I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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